Embracing the Darkness: A Journey Through Circumstantial Depression

Caged and Locked Writer's Blog

March 13, 2024

Dear Readers,

As I sit down to write this, my heart feels heavy with the weight of shared experience. Depression is a silent companion that walks alongside many of us, often unnoticed by the world around us. It's a darkness that engulfs, suffocates, and isolates. Today, I want to share a piece of my journey with you, not as a beacon of hope but as a reminder that you are not alone in your struggle.

I recently watched the movie "Dear Evan Hansen," a poignant portrayal of human connection and the desperate need we all harbor for it. It struck a chord within me, echoing the silent screams of my own battles with depression. Like many of you, I've traversed the desolate landscapes of loneliness, longing for a connection that seemed forever out of reach.

You see, despite being an extrovert by nature, I've often found myself dancing on the edges of solitude. Friends, a rarity in my life, seemed elusive, leaving me to navigate the turbulent waters of existence alone. Every day felt like a battle for survival, a relentless struggle against the suffocating grip of despair.

In those moments of darkness, when the world seemed to fade into oblivion, I found solace in my secret place. A place where I could unleash the torrent of emotions pent up within me, where I could scream until my voice grew hoarse and tears stained my cheeks, and where my washcloth was my best friend filling my mouth while I bit down from the enormous pain I felt within. It's a raw, visceral experience, one that most would shy away from, but it's also a testament to the strength that lies within each of us.

It's a challenging journey we're all on, isn't it? Sometimes, even when we hold onto hope that things will improve, the path still feels unbearably heavy. It's as though we're invisible, lost in the shuffle of daily life. There's a myriad of experiences we all face - the grind of work or school, the struggles of parenthood, the relentless pressure to measure up to impossible standards. It's a tapestry woven with threads of pain and resilience, where each of us wears a mask to hide our vulnerabilities.

But behind these facades lies a shared truth: we all carry pain within us. Some of us cope by staying busy, while others try to drown out the hurt with distractions or substances. Yet, no matter how hard we try to evade it, the pain persists. In the midst of this struggle, some find solace in faith, while others reach out to others, only to find empty air. It's a lonely road, one where we often feel like we're walking in darkness.

It's heartbreaking to experience, feel, and hear how reaching out for help led to such painful experiences for me and others. It's a stark reminder of the stigma and misunderstanding surrounding mental health challenges in our society. It's also unjust that instead of receiving the support and empathy I needed, I was met with judgment and isolation. Being locked away behind walls and medicated without understanding only deepened the wounds I was already grappling with.

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